The good book says we should love other people...all others. In fact, we should make relationships our number one priority. The good book also says relationships are what life is all about. As Mother Teresa said, "It's not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters." Listening well is one very important component towards creating healthy, high functioning relationships of all types.
While our culture clearly emphasizes speaking over listening, listening is one of the most direct and powerful means to creating 100/0 relationships. It is also the foundation for great leadership, high performance teams and effective organizations.
We’ve all felt, at some time or another, that we’re not being heard. We’ve felt our comments have been dismissed, that our ideas aren’t valid, that our efforts don’t count. But those feelings don’t really stem from not being heard.
THE REAL ISSUE IS THAT SOMEONE WAS NOT LISTENING.
Do you feel like having a relationship, of any kind, with someone who doesn’t listen to you? Of course not. That’s why listening is so important to relationships. If you want an effective, constructive relationship with someone, you need to listen to – not just hear – what they have to say.
Automatic vs. Creative Listening
Most of us listen automatically, which takes two forms: not listening at all or listening judgmentally. Think about how you listen to someone you like vs. someone about whom you don’t feel so fondly. You judge what the former is saying more favorably than you judge what the latter is saying.
There are other manners of automatic listening as well:
Looking for a fatal flaw.
Thinking about how to respond.
Concluding what is being said is not valid.
Assuming we already know the information.
Trying to figure out how the information fits with what we already know.
With creative listening, on the other hand, you must determine who’s in charge. Is it you or your automatic thoughts and responses? Either the conversations have you or you have the conversations.
The first step to becoming a creative listener is to be aware of your automatic listener… and hit the off button.
NOW THAT IT’S QUIET, ASK YOURSELF:
What is the speaker’s commitment?
What are the possibilities?
What can I learn?
What is the speaker’s reality?
What are the speaker’s concerns?
Where can we align?
What will work?
When we choose to listen creatively, we give people a genuine chance to be heard. We also offer our teams and organizations the chance to have true collaboration, communication, creativity, risk-taking and trust. It takes real commitment and self-discipline. Once you begin listening creatively, you’ll find not only your communications will flourish, so will your relationships.
Creative listening is a piece, a very important piece, of giving 100 percent in your relationships.
4 PRINCIPLES OF LISTENING
1.Listening grants others the power of speaking.
2.Listening is a gift, be generous with it.
3.What we listen to is more important than what we say.
4.Communication is what is heard, not what is said.
Why is listening so difficult for so many? (Here are some insights by the International Listening Association)
*Most of us are distracted, pre-occupied or forgetful about 75% of the time we should be listening.
*We listen at 125-250 words per minute, but think at 1,000 – 3,000 words per minute.
*Immediately after we listen to someone, we only recall about 50% of what he or she said.
*Long-term, we only remember 20% of what we hear.
Listening has been identified as one of the top skills employers seek in entry-level employees as well as those being promoted. More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill for success in business.
Have a conversation with someone. Take notice of your automatic listening, and choose to listen creatively.
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Sir Winston Churchill
(Excerpt: "100/0% Principle" - The Secret of Great Relationships. Author: Al Ritter. Publisher: Simple Truth)
