4 Ways to Fix Communication Breakdowns

Communication breakdowns often occur in the office, on-the-go, and in our personal relationships, for various reasons. And the effects of failed communication can be very damaging. Whether the problem is due to people not speaking up or from not listening intently, here are some tips for overcoming these communication breakdowns:
-Try not to rush. If you sound rushed and distracted when you say something, people may think you are not interested or feel offended, because it seems like they are unimportant to you.  If you do happen to be rushed, provide the other person with a brief explanation that you are very busy with something now, but do want to talk with later, so either you or they can contact you again.
-Confirm you’re on the same page. Often breakdowns occur because someone has false assumptions about someone or about something they expect someone to do and communicate based on those assumptions.   For example, a boss or co-worker assumes you already know something or you will be taking on a particular role or responsibility, when you aren’t.  In this case, it is best to confirm in conversation or in a memo or e-mail what you expect someone to do or what you understand they want you to do.  Then, if they don’t understand something the same way, they should tell you, so you are both on the same page.
-Encourage questions. Another reason for a communication breakdown is that someone doesn’t say something or ask for clarification because they don’t want to appear stupid; they feel shy or uncomfortable asking or explaining something; they want to be diplomatic by not bringing up a subject that might make others uncomfortable.  Or perhaps a person doesn’t want to admit he or she wasn’t listening or didn’t understand something, and hopes to figure it out later.   The approach to use here is to make the other person feel comfortable and safe to ask questions, even if he or she thinks he or she should know that.  Conversely, if you are unsure or unclear about something, ask.  If the boss seems hard to approach, try asking a co-worker.  Or try feeding back what you do understand and invite the other person to fill in what he or she also wants you to do.
-Practice active listening. Communication breakdowns also occur when people don’t allow time for others to ask questions or don’t take time to listen carefully to others themselves.  For example, a boss gives everyone instructions on what to do, but not everyone understands.  Or an employee doesn’t listen closely when instructions are given.  A tip here is to make sure everyone has understood what you have just explained and invite them to ask questions if they don’t understand something.  Another approach is to invite someone to provide a brief recap of what they think you said.  Conversely, if you are listening to instructions, actively engage your mind so you really listen.  For example, imagine yourself doing what you will be doing, as the other person talks. And afterwards, be ready to ask for clarification or examples if there is anything you don’t understand.
For more ideas on overcoming conflicts and communication problems, you can see some chapters fromDisagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War at www.workingwithhumans.com.
Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D. is the author of over 50 books and a seminar and workshop leader, specializing in work relationships and professional and personal development.  Her latest books include Want It, See It, Get It and Enjoy! 101 Little Ways to Add Fun to Your Work Everyday, both from AMACOM.  Gini’s Websites are: www.workwithgini.com and www.ginigrahamscott.com.
Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/4-ways-to-fix-communication-breakdowns.html#ixzz1QfuKGT3N

"lssn2me™ Stepping Stones #10



The good book says we should love other people...all others. In fact, we should make relationships our number one priority. The good book also says relationships are what life is all about. As Mother Teresa said, "It's not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters." Listening well is one very important component towards creating healthy, high functioning relationships of all types.


While our culture clearly emphasizes speaking over listening, listening is one of the most direct and powerful means to creating 100/0 relationships. It is also the foundation for great leadership, high performance teams and effective organizations.
We’ve all felt, at some time or another, that we’re not being heard. We’ve felt our comments have been dismissed, that our ideas aren’t valid, that our efforts don’t count. But those feelings don’t really stem from not being heard.

THE REAL ISSUE IS THAT SOMEONE WAS NOT LISTENING.
Do you feel like having a relationship, of any kind, with someone who doesn’t listen to you? Of course not. That’s why listening is so important to relationships. If you want an effective, constructive relationship with someone, you need to listen to – not just hear – what they have to say.

Automatic vs. Creative Listening
Most of us listen automatically, which takes two forms: not listening at all or listening judgmentally. Think about how you listen to someone you like vs. someone about whom you don’t feel so fondly. You judge what the former is saying more favorably than you judge what the latter is saying.

There are other manners of automatic listening as well:
Looking for a fatal flaw.
Thinking about how to respond.
Concluding what is being said is not valid.
Assuming we already know the information.
Trying to figure out how the information fits with what we already know.
With creative listening, on the other hand, you must determine who’s in charge. Is it you or your automatic thoughts and responses? Either the conversations have you or you have the conversations.
The first step to becoming a creative listener is to be aware of your automatic listener… and hit the off button.
 
NOW THAT IT’S QUIET, ASK YOURSELF:
What is the speaker’s commitment?
What are the possibilities?
What can I learn?
What is the speaker’s reality?
What are the speaker’s concerns?
Where can we align?
What will work?
When we choose to listen creatively, we give people a genuine chance to be heard. We also offer our teams and organizations the chance to have true collaboration, communication, creativity, risk-taking and trust. It takes real commitment and self-discipline. Once you begin listening creatively, you’ll find not only your communications will flourish, so will your relationships.
Creative listening is a piece, a very important piece, of giving 100 percent in your relationships.

4 PRINCIPLES OF LISTENING
1.Listening grants others the power of speaking.
2.Listening is a gift, be generous with it.
3.What we listen to is more important than what we say.
4.Communication is what is heard, not what is said.

Why is listening so difficult for so many? (Here are some insights by the International Listening Association)
*Most of us are distracted, pre-occupied or forgetful about 75% of the time we should be listening.
*We listen at 125-250 words per minute, but think at 1,000 – 3,000 words per minute.
*Immediately after we listen to someone, we only recall about 50% of what he or she said.
*Long-term, we only remember 20% of what we hear.

Listening has been identified as one of the top skills employers seek in entry-level employees as well as those being promoted. More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill for success in business.
Have a conversation with someone. Take notice of your automatic listening, and choose to listen creatively.

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Sir Winston Churchill
(Excerpt: "100/0% Principle" - The Secret of Great Relationships. Author: Al Ritter. Publisher: Simple Truth)


"lssn2me™ Stepping Stones #8 - "Courage"



The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Nothing is Insurmountable


There is nothing in your life that cannot be overcome; whatever the situation or problem, there is always a solution.

When our next best course of action seems unclear, any dilemmas we face can appear insurmountable. Yet there is nothing we cannot overcome with time, persistence, focused thought, help, and faith. Whatever the situation or problem, there is always a solution. And if you remember to look within, even as you search around you for the “right” course of action, you will be able to center yourself, clear your mind, and see that nothing has to be impossible. 

The first step in overcoming any obstacle is to believe that it can be overcome. Doing so will give you the strength and courage to move through any crisis. The second step is to make a resolution that you can prevail over any chaos. Enlist your support network of family and friends if necessary. The more minds there are to consider a problem, the more solutions can be found. Don’t discount ideas just because they seem impractical or “unrealistic,” and don’t keep searching for the “best” alternative. Often there is no “best” choice, there is only a choice to make so we can begin moving beyond whatever is obstructing our path. At the very least, making a choice, even if isn’t the ideal one, can give you a sense of peace before you have to figure out what your next course of action will be. 

If you feel overwhelmed by the scope of your troubles, you may want to think of other people who have turned adversity into triumph. We often gain a fresh perspective when we remember others who have overcome larger obstacles. It can be inspiring to hear of their victories, helping us remember that there is always light at the end of every tunnel. It is during our darkest hours that we sometimes need to remind ourselves that we don’t have to feel helpless. You have within and around you the resources to find a solution to any problem. And remember that if a solution or choice you make doesn’t work, you are always free to try another. Believe that you can get through anything, and you will always prevail.
(DailyOm)

"lssn2me™ Stepping Stones #7


 

How to Live a Life of Integrity

1.We must first want to develop the characteristics that make up a person who lives with Integrity. How do we accomplish this? By having the willingness to be consistent in producing quality work, being honest with ourselves and others and striving for excellence even when we fall short. We are not perfect and we will make mistakes, but don't give up if it isn't your best work; don't give up if you weren't honest with yourself or others; don't give up if your attempt of having an excellent attitude or being excellent in any area was a bit off today. It's ok! Just remember to keep pushing continuously towards quality, towards honesty and towards excellence. One day and one step at a time. It's a process and it will not happen overnight. Embrace the Journey!
2.Making a list of values is simply putting pen-to-paper on what you believe is Important to You. If, after discovering your top 5 values, you find that there is anything in your life, your relationships, or your work that you are not truly pleased with, then begin by changing the person you are. For example - If your top 5 values were, let's say - Spirituality, Family, Income/Wealth, Personal Growth and Wisdom, then start by making a diligent attempt to search within to find out if your values are as important to you as you say they are. Second, develop a good understanding of what your values are and put the importance of those values into action. For example - If Spirituality is one of your top 5 values, then try spending more time establishing a relationship with God. If Family is at the top of your list, then spend more quality time with your family. If Income/Wealth is important, then put in what you want out. For a list of values, perform a search on Google.
3. Keeping your word is another awesome characteristic of living a life of Integrity. If you make a promise to someone, try not to break your promise (this can be very difficult when unforeseen circumstances or situations arise). It's understood that we can't predict the future; however, if we make an attempt to keep our promises, they are usually, 99% of the time, fulfilled. That grey area of having to back out of a promise is rare but it happens. The good news is that you will not be looked upon as a person who can't keep their promise. The times that you kept your word always outweighs the few times that you didn't.


4. No compromises here! I don't have to tell you how and when to choose right from wrong. You already know what you know!!!! There will be times when you will be faced with choosing right over wrong and no matter what anyone thinks, feels or say, don't compromise what you believe. It may cost you a job/career, a friendship, a material possession, etc. but you will know that you choose a hard right over an easy wrong and can walk away knowing that you did the right thing! Let me tell you, it's nothing more refreshing than knowing that you gave up something wrong for something right. What an awesome Exchange! Read more: How to Live a Life of Integrity | eHow.comhttp://www.ehow.com/how_4735904_live-life-integrity.html#ixzz1NEs6iz8

"lssn2me™ Stepping Stones #6



Trust is the foundation for intimate, secure and successful relationships. It must be earned and maintained with consistent actions. But building trust and feeling like your partner is trustworthy are not always easy for those who have had their trust betrayed.

Trust has to be a living, breathing entity in order for a relationship to survive. This applies to romantic relationships, family relationships and friendships. So when your trust is violated, how do you overcome that and restore trust in a relationship? If you have the desire to try rebuilding trust in a relationship again or just learn to trust again in general, we have some steps to get you there.

Children learn how to build trust in a relationship with their parents or caretakers early in their development. If parents are consistent in responding to their child’s needs, then that child will learn to trust them and their environment.

As a child gets older, trust takes on a different form because children can process why they trust and why they don’t. It’s especially important for children to grow up in a trusting environment so that they learn how important trust is. This knowledge carries over in their attitude toward the world and all of their future relationships.

Trust may seem like an obscure concept, difficult to define. Sometimes you can’t tell if you truly trust someone, especially when you have no past experience to base it on.

Trust isn’t an emotion. It’s a learned behavior that we gain from past experiences. It is hope and dependability, and putting confidence in someone.

Trust is also a risk. But you can’t be successful when there’s a lack of trust in a relationship that results from an action where the wrongdoer takes no repentance or responsibility to fix the mistake.

Unfortunately, we’ve all been victims of betrayal. Whether we’ve been stolen from, lied to, misled, or cheated on, there are different levels of losing trust, some more devastating than others.

Regaining trust can seem as likely as winning the lottery. You may want to have faith in your partner again, but when it comes down to it, you simply don’t know how to start regaining trust in a relationship.

Sometimes people simply can’t trust anymore – they’ve been too badly hurt and they can’t bear to be that vulnerable again. It’s understandable, but if you’re willing to build trust in a relationship again, we have some tips:

Learn to really trust yourself
If you don’t trust yourself, meaning your ability to have good judgment and to make good choices, how can you trust someone else?
Just keep in mind that once your trust has been violated, your defenses start working overtime to protect yourself. Pay closer attention to your instincts and keep working on building trust in yourself.

Grieve
When a loved one dies, the natural grieving process tends to come in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages can also occur when you lose trust in someone.

Don’t fight any of these stages. You’ll usually get through all of them – with time. Forgiveness can also be added as the sixth stage in regards to trust. If you can find it in your heart to forgive, then you’ll be able to release anger and hurt.

Stop labeling yourself the victim
If you’ve been betrayed, you are the victim of your circumstance. But there’s a difference between being a victim and living with a “victim mentality.” At some point in all of our lives, we’ll have our trust tested or violated.

Some people choose to wallow in the sting of betrayal while others make an effort to overcome it. If you choose to become a wallower, you will stifle your ability to truly heal because you’ll end up angry and blaming everyone else for something you actually have more control over than you think.

You didn’t lose “everything”
When we’re severely betrayed, such as being cheated on in a relationship, we tend to feel like we have lost everything that means anything to us. Once trust is lost, what is left?

Instead of looking at the situation from this hopeless angle, look at everything you still have and be thankful for all of the good in your life.
Seeing the positive side of things doesn’t mean you’re ignoring what happened. Instead, it’s a healthy way to work through the experience to allow room for positive growth and forgiveness.

Keep your expectations high
Avoid situations that share the same pattern of circumstance where your trust was violated. On the flip side, it’s also important to recognize that just because you’ve been violated before doesn’t mean it will automatically happen again.

You have to stop the harmful belief that any new relationship will end up the same way. If you fall into this way of thinking, not only will you sell yourself short, but you may also throw away a great possibility because you’re too scared of being hurt again. Also, remember that when you give someone the best, you deserve the best in return. Don’t settle for anything less.

Losing trust in someone can have a devastating effect on your relationship, as well as your sense of self-worth, but building trust in a relationship again is possible. It takes a willingness to work on both yourself and your betrayer, but trust can be won back. And when trust in a relationship is regained, it is truly healing.
 

lssn2me™ Stepping Stone #5

Download Extreme Self Care form. (Form courtesy of and copyrighted by Coach U. Inc.) Today's world places many demands on our hearts , minds, bodies and apirit. The purpose of this assessment is to guide you as you focus on yourself in order to strengthen your balance, wellness and quality of life.

lssn2me™ Stepping Stone #4

Exploring the Soul
Living a Spiritual Life
Remembering who we really are is the first step in awakening to our spiritual path.

Throughout the journey from birth to death, many people choose to question life, strive for improvement, seek out knowledge, and search for the divine. Simply put, this is the essence of spirituality. One’s spiritual practice can take on many forms, because embracing the spiritual is a very personal pursuit. While many people do relate their spirituality to a God or Goddess, this quest for the divine, or oneness with the universe, always springs from within. It doesn’t matter where you find your spiritual path. We are all fundamentally spiritual beings and the essence of that lies in knowing one’s true self and finding a peace that comes from within rather than the outside world. It is in remembering this that we awaken to our personal path.

The spiritual path springs forth from a daily routine that reaffirms our personal connection with a purpose or a way of life. Practicing compassion, gratitude, appreciation, forgiveness, generosity, meditation, and taking care of one’s wellbeing can all be a part of one’s spiritual life. If you are new to exploring your personal spirituality, remember that this is a process. You may want to spend a few moments each day giving yourself a spiritual gift. Try a new form of meditation, visit a sanctuary, or explore a specific deity.

Accepting the importance of spirituality can be a healthy decision, because a spiritual practice tends to include habits that promote healthy living. Take the time to carefully determine the action, thought, and ritual that most speaks to your soul. Remember that your most profound spiritual experiences may also come from the simple intricacies that make up your life. See the interconnectedness of all things. As you explore your “inner work,” you will be walking your spiritual path and feeling your oneness with the universe. (DailyOm)

lssn2me™ Stepping Stone #3

The Fun You Make

Your imagination can be a wonderful asset to you today as you look for ways to make the people around you laugh. Whether you are feeling a little low or are happy as a clam, you can brighten the atmosphere of your environment immeasurably by letting your natural lightheartedness shine through. However, you should not rely on jokes or anecdotes, as others may not appreciate them as much as you do. If you do all you can to integrate play into your responsibilities and interactions, you may find that people around you start smiling and acting more cheerful. The happiness you bring into others' lives today will linger long after your encounter is over.

Humor can help us bond with the people we care for by providing us with a shared experience that transcends the challenges currently unfolding in our lives. Though we may wonder whether laughter and play are appropriate in periods of great stress, it is precisely during these times that we can benefit most from a smile or a cheerful word. The fun we have with the people we care about can provide a welcome break from the rigors of everyday existence, ensuring that we all have opportunities to unwind. We need only look to the playful images that form in our imaginative minds for inspiration. If we give ourselves permission to share these lighthearted thoughts with others, there will never be a shortage of fun to be had. You can share your humorous mood with others easily today by giving your imagination free reign.

lssn2me™ Stepping Stone #2

“Commitment to Growth”

Growth can be painful or it can be comfortable, depending on your intentions. To learn lifechanging material is much more than an intellectual exercise: it involves your mind, body, emotions, and ultimately your spirit. Give yourself plenty of permission to learn, make mistakes, correct, and relearn: in short, be easy with yourself as you work with these new ideas.

Commitment #1 – “I commit myself to full closeness, and to clearing up anything within me that stands in the way." - With this commitment you take a stand for closeness. You also commit yourself to working out all the little things and the big things that people put in the way of being close to each other. We desparately want union with other people, but often we are also deathly afraid of it because of the pain it has brought in times past.

Commitment #2 – “I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual” - With this commitment you take a stand for separateness. You cannot have ultimate closeness without being fully able to separate. In other words, the more fully developed you are as an individual, the more you are able to give and receive love in a relationship. It must be all right for both people to have space and time for themselves. A commitment to individual development is crucial, because a genuine healthy relationship emerges only when both people are willing to be 100% themselves as individuals.

Commitment #3 – “ I commit to revealing myself fully in the relationship, not to concealing myself." – A major event in our lives occurs when we shift our intentions from concealing to revealing. Most of us learned to hide our true selves in order to survive growing up. It is not surprising we take this practice into our later relationships. It costs, because a close relationship thrives on transparency. If your energy is tied up in concealing who you are and how you are, there is little energy left over to fuel creativity.

Commitment #4 – “ I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me.” – With this commitment you take a stand to allow others to assume their full power. Imagine how much two people can accomplish when their commitment is to each other’s full growth! Contrast this with how little can be accomplished when both people are committed to restraining the other.

Commitment #5 – “I commit myself to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality.” – Many of the problems in relationships are caused by both partners fighting to claim the victim position. The moment you fail to claim 100 percent creation of your life, you step into a trap. Unconscious loving feeds on victimhood, which can exist only when people are not taking responsibility for what is happening to them. When two people are willing to be the source of their reality, real intimacy becomes possible. There is no energy wasted over whose problem it is, who is right and who’s wrong, whose fault it is or other power struggles.

Commitment #6 – “I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.” – In the process of growing up, many of us embrace a view of relationships that causes pain later on: we think that relationships are about suffering. We believe that if the relationship is not a struggle we must not be doing something right. A formal commitment to having a good time is necessary. Although we do not know the entire meaning of life, but we are sure it is not to have a bad time. Take a conscious stand for joy in close relationships.(©Gay Hendricks, Ph.D & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D – “Conscious Loving, The Journey to Co-Commitment. A Way to Be, Fully Together Without Giving Up Yourself”)

lssn2me Stepping Stone #1 - Judging Others - Don't Rush to Judgment

What We See

Though it is human to evaluate people we encounter based on first impressions, the conclusions we come to are seldom unaffected by our own fears and our own preconceptions. Additionally, our judgments are frequently incomplete. For example, wealth can seem like proof that an individual is spoiled, and poverty can be seen as a signifier of laziness—neither of which may be true. At the heart of the tendency to categorize and criticize, we often find insecurity. Overcoming our need to set ourselves apart from what we fear is a matter of understanding the root of judgment and then reaffirming our commitment to tolerance.

When we catch ourselves thinking or behaving judgmentally, we should ask ourselves where these judgments come from. Traits we hope we do not possess can instigate our criticism when we see them in others because passing judgment distances us from those traits. Once we regain our center, we can reinforce our open-mindedness by putting our feelings into words. To acknowledge to ourselves that we have judged, and that we have identified the root of our judgments, is the first step to a path of compassion. Recognizing that we limit our awareness by assessing others critically can make moving past our initial impressions much easier. Judgments seldom leave room for alternate possibilities.

Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” If we are quick to pass judgment on others, we forget that they, like us, are human beings. As we seldom know what roads people have traveled before a shared encounter or why they have come into our lives, we should always give those we meet the gift of an open heart. Doing so allows us to replace fear-based criticism with appreciation because we can then focus wholeheartedly on the spark of good that burns in all human souls. "Be kind to strangers, for you might be entertaining an angel"...

Good Stress Vs. Bad Stress

In recent years, stress has gotten a very bad name, but studies show that some stress is good for us, increasing our immune systems' capabilities and sharpening our intelligence. Bad stress, on the other hand, has the opposite effect, weakening our immune systems and causing us to feel mentally confused and disoriented.

Good stress tends to inspire us to rise to a challenge, so that we discover and experience more of our potential. After encounters with good stress, we generally feel stronger and more confident, knowing that we have what it takes to pass the tests and surmount the obstacles that life inevitably throws our way. Exposure to bad stress, however, leaves us feeling depleted and anxious. Noticing how you feel is a good way to determine what kind of stress you are experiencing at any given time.

The difference between good and bad stress can sometimes lie in our attitude. If you doubt yourself and habitually employ the mantra, "I can't handle this," every time life throws you a curve ball, you may be turning good stress into bad stress. When stressful situations come your way, take a deep breath and say, "I can handle this." It's hard to believe that such a simple change can make a difference, but it really can. Expressing confidence in yourself often gives you the power to turn a crisis into a confidence-building challenge. However, if you find that you truly are too depleted to face the challenges that come your way, you owe it to yourself to consciously eliminate as much of the stress in your life as possible. Take time to restore and make any necessary changes to your lifestyle.

Different people have different levels of tolerance for stress. Some people actively seek out adrenalin-inducing activities in their spare time. Other people find daily life stressful enough that they spend their downtime resting and restoring themselves. Know yourself and adjust your stress factor accordingly.

Optimistic Thinking

You too can become an optimist. But first we must understand how our thinking shapes our attitudes and outlook on life.

You feel what you think
We often assume that outside events are the cause of our moods and symptoms. But it's remarkable how different people's reactions can be when faced with the same event. Even when we experience the exact same situation at different times or in different moods, it's surprising how differently we can feel and respond to it.

We are constantly talking to ourselves. This "self-talk" is how we explain the events of our lives to ourselves. And it is the way we interpret these external events in our minds that determines how we feel and determines what actions we decide to take.Some explanations we give ourselves are positive and empowering. Others arouse anger, feed our frustration, or lead us to depression and despair.

We are usually not aware of the continuous, automatic chatter in our heads and we don't notice how these thoughts shape our mood. Learn to recognize these patterns. Specific negative thoughts lead to different types of bad moods. For example:

Thoughts of loss like, "I've lost everything—my job, my home, and my spouse," are often followed by sadness or depression.
Thoughts of unfulfilled expectations such as, "Why is my spouse always late?" give rise to frustration and anger.
Thoughts of possible danger or threat like, "What if I can't find my way back?" lead to anxiety and worry.

Negative self-talk greatly limits us. If you are constantly saying to yourself, "I'm not very smart," or "I won't ever amount to much," you probably won't try to learn a new skill. That's because learning a new skill doesn't fit with what you are telling yourself. You become a prisoner of your own beliefs.

But the walls of our prison are made of thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. Self-talk is not something fixed in our biology, and our feelings are not completely out of our control. New, healthier thoughts can be cultivated.

Try rose-colored glasses
Healthy thinkers see the world through rose-colored lenses. They distort their reality in a positive direction, and most of the time their rosy illusions benefit them. Healthy thinking is not necessarily more realistic; it's just healthier.

Optimists believe that their ability to influence events is much greater than it actually is. Most of our self-talk—either positive or negative—is simply just not true. Data from our senses is always filtered through and interpreted by our brains. We tell ourselves inaccurate stories, and then believe these stories as though they were true. So if you're going to distort reality anyway, you may as well distort it positively. It's healthier.

What makes an optimist?
Optimists seek out, remember, and expect positive experiences. Optimists learn to:

Be selective, remembering mainly the positive events in the past.
Focus on the present.
See the future in terms of what can be done instead of what can't happen.
See threats as challenges—problems to be solved.
Believe the world is coherent, and their actions make a significant difference.

Optimistic thinking doesn't mean you're not touched by life's misfortunes or never have a negative thought. Even optimists don't feel great all the time. No one enjoys losses and setbacks, but you don't have to be demolished by them either. Optimistic, healthy thinking helps you cope better with whatever life throws at you.

You may think that optimism and pessimism are traits you're stuck with, but they're not. To a large extent, optimism and pessimism are just learned habits. Changing the way that you think and talk to yourself can improve your physical and emotional well-being. Remember, your body speaks its mind.
‎1.FEED YOUR BRAIN - 2.DON'T THINK- JUST DO! - 3.MOVE YOUR BODY, SHIFT YOUR BRAIN - 4.LET THERE BE LIGHT - 5.GET CONNECTED TO THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE - 6.SLEEP WELL

A PATHWAY OUT OF DEPRESSION 
There's a reason that most so-called primitive cultures have avoided the depression epidemic afflicting industrialized nations. In a provocative book, a clinical psychologist suggests that adopting more "hunter-gatherer" habits can help us escape the blues.
According to the latest research, about one in four Americans — more than 70 million people — will meet the criteria for major depression at some point in their lives. The rate of depression in industrialized societies has been on the rise for decades — it’s roughly 10 times higher today than it was just two generations ago. How can people possibly be so much more vulnerable to depression now? And how do you make sense of the fact that even though antidepressant use has skyrocketed in recent years, the rate of depression in the United States hasn’t declined, but rather increased?

As a clinical psychologist, I believe the answer is rooted in our way of life. I say this because researchers have assessed modern-day hunter-gatherer bands — such as the Kaluli people of the New Guinea highlands — for the presence of mental illness, and they found that clinical depression is almost completely nonexistent among such groups.

Despite being much more likely to experience tragic events like the death of a child or a crippling illness, and living with none of the material comforts or medical advances we take for granted, they’re largely immune to the plague of depressive illness.

But how are hunter-gatherers able to weather life’s storms so effectively? Based on the available research, it seems that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle is profoundly antidepressant. As they go about their daily lives, they naturally wind up doing things that keep them from getting depressed, things that change the brain more powerfully than any medication. These range from exercising regularly and eating plenty of omega-3 fats to belonging to active social networks and getting enough sleep.

For most of human history, everyone benefited from the antidepressant effect of these ancient lifestyle elements. But over the past few hundred years, technological evolution has proceeded at a relentless pace. And as many protective features of that way of life have gradually disappeared, the rate of depression has begun to spiral out of control.

Our Stone Age brains just weren’t designed to handle the sedentary, isolated, indoor, sleep-deprived, fast-food laden, stressed-out pace of 21st-century life.

Based on this information that shows lifestyle might be the most important factor in producing (and beating) depressive symptoms, my colleagues and I at the University of Kansas have developed a treatment called “Therapeutic Lifestyle Change,” or TLC. It incorporates six major protective lifestyle elements we need to reclaim from our ancestors: dietary omega-3 fatty acids, mentally engaging activity, physical exercise, sunlight exposure, social support and adequate sleep.

TLC has yielded exceptional results in our clinical trials; the rate of favorable response has been more than three times higher than that of conventional antidepressant treatments.

When you consider the far-reaching effects of the lifestyle changes below, it’s easy to understand why this approach is so effective — and why for anyone struggling with depression, it is almost certainly worth trying.

1. FEED YOUR BRAIN

The hunter-gatherer diet typically includes wild game that feed on grass, and fish that feed on algae — both abundant sources of omega-3 fatty acids. Conversely, the extraordinary rise in depression rates over the last century has closely mirrored the disappearance of omega-3 fats from the Western diet, which has come to rely more on grains (and grain-fed livestock) than wild game and plants. In countries where people still get a better dietary balance of omega-6s from seeds and omega-3s from grasses, leaves and algae, depression tends to be substantially less common.

But how, exactly, does an imbalance of the fats we eat make us more vulnerable to depression? Neuroscientists have identified three mechanisms that play a role:

Serotonin: Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps turn off the brain’s stress response. But when brain cells don’t have enough omega-3 fats, they have trouble understanding the message of serotonin, increasing a person’s vulnerability to the kind of out-of-control stress response that leads to the onset of depression.

Dopamine: Lack of omega-3s also scrambles the messages of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that activates the left frontal cortex — the part of the brain that puts us in a good mood and pushes us to go after the things we want.

Inflammation: When unchecked by a balance of omega-3s, omega-6 fats promote inflammation throughout the body. Over time, chronic inflammation triggers a reduction in the production of tryptophan, the primary building block of serotonin. It also impairs the hippocampus, which is critical to memory function. And it triggers the stress hormone cortisol, which has its own set of depressive effects on the brain.

A key element of the TLC protocol is to begin taking a daily omega-3 supplement. The easiest source is fish-oil capsules. Fish oil is the richest natural source of both EPA and DHA, the two omega-3 molecules that play an important role in the brain. I recommend starting a daily dose of 1,000 milligrams of EPA and 500 milligrams of DHA to all of my patients.

If you currently have symptoms of depression, or if you want to help prevent the onset of illness in the future, this is the dose I suggest you begin with, as well. (If you are taking any medications, particularly blood thinners, check with your doctor first.)

2. DON'T THINK - DO

Unlike hunter-gatherer societies, where people are usually busy either chasing dinner or lingering with the community after the meal, people in industrialized societies often find themselves alone, without any kind of activity that absorbs their full attention — conditions ripe for rumination.

Rumination appears to be an instinctive human response when something goes wrong. It’s as if we’re hardwired to replay our trials and tribulations over and over — perhaps to figure out what might help us prevent similar negative outcomes in the future. But after a brief period of intense pondering, we usually hit a point of diminishing returns, when any more dwelling is a waste of time — and a real source of stress.

If you find yourself locked in the vise grip of rumination, I can offer some words of reassurance — breaking the habit may sound difficult, but the process is surprisingly straightforward. The first step involves learning to notice when it’s happening.

One helpful strategy is to start monitoring your thought process every hour or so, just to see where your attention is. Set an alarm on your watch or phone to remind you to take note of your state of mind. Then, when it goes off, jot down any worries or negative thoughts you were entertaining at the time.

As you become increasingly tuned in to your mental life, you’ll notice that some situations are particularly risk-prone. The research on this point is clear: People typically ruminate when they have nothing else to occupy their attention.

This leads to the second step: Learn to redirect your attention. In most cases, it just takes a few minutes of immersion in a good alternative activity before the spell is broken.

While there’s no one-size-fits-all formula when it comes to finding engaging activities, some things turn out to be anti-ruminative for just about everybody. These include participating in shared activities, whether it’s building a fence or playing a game of pickup basketball, or getting involved in an active conversation — especially if it’s about something other than what’s bothering you.

If you’re engaged in a mindless activity that itself leads to rumination, listening to upbeat music or books on tape can give your mind somewhere else to go.

3. MOVE YOUR BODY, SHIFT YOUR BRAIN

Even though everyone knows that exercise is a key to maintaining physical health, few realize that it’s equally important for preserving mental health. Like an antidepressant medication, exercise increases the activity of brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine. It also stimulates the brain’s release of a key growth hormone (BDNF) that helps reverse the toxic, brain-damaging effects of depression. It even sharpens memory and concentration, and helps us think more clearly.

That said, motivation to exercise can be hard to come by. One reason might be that our hunter-gatherer forebears got so much physical activity in the flow of daily life that they actually avoided extra exertion whenever possible. They followed a simple rule: Spend your energy only on activities that have a clear purpose or offer immediate reward. This rule was so important to people’s survival that it became part of our genetic legacy.

Many people discover this when they approach a treadmill or stationary bike and feel as if a part of their brain is screaming out, “Don’t do it! You’re not actually going anywhere on that thing! Conserve the calories!”

Fortunately, there’s a way out of this dilemma. Yes, we’re genetically wired to avoid extraneous exertion, but what about necessary or pleasure-producing activity? As it turns out, whenever we’re caught up in enjoyable, meaningful activity, our tolerance for exercise goes up dramatically. So when you make activity purposeful or pleasant (riding your bike to work, dancing, playing a team sport, walking to the store instead of driving), you’re much more likely to do it.

When it comes to hitting the gym, it can really help to work out with someone else. Spending time with others tends to be highly absorbing, so it makes the workout pass quickly; it also gives you the mood-elevating benefits of social support. Finally, a workout partner can provide the initiative that depression steals away.

How much exercise is necessary for an antidepressant effect? Incredibly, a Duke University study found that a brisk half-hour walk three times a week proved to be more effective than the antidepressant medication Zoloft. So 90 minutes of heart-rate-elevating exercise is enough to feel a difference. As one personal trainer told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone leave the gym in a worse mood than when they arrived.”

4. LET THERE BE LIGHT

Our hunter-gatherer ancestors were outside all day, every day. As a result, our eyes have special light receptors that respond only to the brightness of natural outdoor light, which is 100 times brighter than typical indoor lighting. If you’re like most people who spend most of their time inside, your eyes’ light receptors simply aren’t getting the stimulation they need. And that can have a major effect on both your brain chemistry and your body clock.

Bright light stimulates the brain’s production of serotonin, that crucial chemical emissary that boosts feelings of well-being. According to the latest research, people usually feel some elevation of mood within an hour or two of exposure to bright light. One recent study showed that people under the influence of bright light are less likely to argue or fight with others.

When we’re deprived of ample light, however, serotonin can fall and the light-sensitive body clock falters: Hormone levels get out of whack, sleep grows erratic, and energy ebbs and flows at all the wrong times. So resetting the body clock each day is important, and it all hinges on those specialized light sensors at the back of the eyes.

How much bright light is required to keep the clock running on time? Fortunately, it’s not that much. For people suffering from depression, 30 minutes of light exposure each day is all it takes to provide an antidepressant effect. However, the light needs to match the brightness of a sunny day — an intensity of at least 10,000 lux — in order for the 30 minutes’ worth of exposure to do the trick.

Getting your bright light exposure by spending some time outside has some clear advantages. Mere exposure to a natural setting can lower stress hormones and reduce feelings of anxiety; this holds true even when we’re enjoying an urban park or suburban backyard. We can also easily combine time outside with other antidepressant lifestyle elements, like exercise and social interaction.

For those in less-than-hospitable climes, however, using a 10,000-lux light box during the winter months has advantages of its own. As long as you have access to a power supply, it will give you all the light you need with the flick of a switch.

5. GET CONNECTED WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE

For hundreds of thousands of years, our ancestors lived in small, intimate social bands, facing together the relentless threat of predators, the forces of nature and hostile neighboring clans. Such a clannish sensibility is still keenly present among modern-day foraging bands and other traditional, pre-agrarian societies. According to anthropologists, “alone time” is virtually unknown among such groups.

In the industrialized West, on the other hand, we’ve strayed far from this sensibility. According to the latest research, 25 percent of Americans have no intimate social connection at all, and countless others spend the bulk of their time by themselves. One recent study found that half of all American adults lack even a single close friend they can rely on.

Isolation is a major risk factor for depression. Those who lack the benefit of a meaningful social connection are highly prone to becoming depressed, especially in the face of severe life stress. And, sadly, once people start experiencing severe depressive symptoms, they tend to withdraw even further from the world around them. In large part, this is because the brain responds to depression as it does any other serious illness, directing us to avoid any activity, especially social activity, so the body can focus on getting well.
Depression can also take an enormous toll on friendships, because the depressed person feels as if he’s doing his friends a favor by pulling away, and his friends, in turn, feel rejected.

It can be helpful to start by disclosing your struggles: Honest disclosure is essential to maintaining the health of any friendship. It can also be helpful to do a little educating. When your friends understand that depression is an illness and withdrawal is a symptom, it’s easier to take your disappearance less personally.

The most useful thing for treating depression, by far, is to spend regular time together in shared activities: walking, working out, playing games, going to a concert, attending a play and so on. Such activities are especially effective in combating depressive rumination, and they promote activity in the brain’s left frontal cortex, which itself provides a direct antidepressant effect.

We ask each patient in the TLC program to adopt the goal of scheduling at least three such activities a week with friends or other close acquaintances.

6. SLEEP WELL

It’s hard to imagine a hunter-gatherer chasing a lion deep into the night; most traditional societies sleep when it’s dark and work when it’s light. Meanwhile, the average American stays up well past dark and gets only 6.7 hours of sleep a night.

Because sleep is so essential to our well-being, it takes only a few nights of deprivation before adverse effects start piling up: Memory and concentration wane, mood turns irritable, judgment grows poor, coordination deteriorates, and immune function declines.

Sleep disturbance and depression go hand in hand. The loss of slow-wave sleep — the most restorative type of slumber — can directly account for many of depression’s most debilitating features.

Several elements of the TLC program are aimed at enhancing sleep. Physical exercise leads to more restorative slow-wave sleep. Daytime bright-light exposure strengthens the body clock, making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. But if you find you’re still not getting quality sleep because of insomnia, here are some suggestions:

• Use your bed only for sleeping (not reading, working or watching TV).

• Get up and go to bed at the same time every day. This helps keep your body clock on track. Avoid napping during depressive episodes. It can reduce your sleep drive, and evidence suggests it can cause a reduction in slow-wave sleep.

• Avoid drinking alcohol before bed. Using alcohol (even a drink or two) to relax and fall asleep can produce frequent awakenings throughout the night.

• Turn down your thermostat at night. Our remote ancestors always slept outside or in open huts, where it got noticeably colder around bedtime. A nighttime dip in temperature sends a primal signal that it’s time to sleep.

If you are currently being treated for depression, consult with your health professional before adjusting your regimen or treatment plan. But don’t underestimate the positive impact that lifestyle shifts like these can have. Beating depression may begin with recognizing that we were simply never designed for the frenetic pace of modern American life. By reclaiming the protective features of the past and integrating them into the present, I believe we can overcome depression, once and for all.  
Stephen Ilardi, PhD, is an associate professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas. This excerpt is reprinted from his book The Depression Cure by permission of Da Capo Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books Group.